Do NOT Date Someone With A Nose Ring

Nose Ring
Photograph By Courtney Rhodes

Some women have faces like supermodels but noses like bulls. What I mean by that is they ruin their faces with body piercings such as nose hoops.

If you date one of these glamorous women your friends may accuse you of being a matador. They might even chip in money together and buy you a nice new red flag.

I’d be all for nose rings if they were functional. Women could take them out and use them to unlock shopping trolleys. Or to scrape off the silver lining on a scratch card.

Even better if they could use them to receive radio transmissions. Although that would be ruined if she tuned into old classics and starting singing, “Girls just wanna have fun.”

“They just wanna, just wanna…”

I used to date a girl with a nose hoop. When I kissed her it agitated her nose and the piercing would swell up. I didn’t like causing her pain and felt much like I was attacking a kitten with a stapler.

Don't Attack Kittens With Staplers #NosePiercings Click To Tweet

She used to sit next to me on the sofa and want a kiss and I’d just say, “Can’t we just watch a movie?” Once she responded that I should pull on her nose ring and she’d say, “There’s a snake in my boots.”

She suggested we should try kissing without touching our noses together. I told her that would effectively be just spitting into each other’s mouths.

If you are going to date a girl with a nose hoop, I think things will be reasonably okay so long as you don’t take her to a magnet museum. Plus, it’s a benefit at Christmas, when you realise you can use it to hang her on the tree.

Altogether though, I recommend the next time you see a girl with a nose ring you back the hell up. Much like a truck reversing. Bonus points if you actually make the noise. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.


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