Jeremy Hunt has warned junior doctors to stop striking and disagreeing with reasonable contracts or he will replace the NHS with traditional Chinese medicine.
The health secretary admitted he would love to make the announcement in the Houses of Parliament wearing nothing but a colourful Chinese robe.
He said that after imposing the new health care system he would host a large Chinese party, at which everyone would take Chinese herbal drugs and listen to Chinese rock music.
He added: “No doctors allowed.”
He said he had been a fan of Chinese culture ever since he met his wife, Lucia Guo, who not only introduced him to herbal treatments but also taught him to play the pan flute.
Many traditional Chinese medicines include ingredients such as:
- Dried spirit mushrooms
- Turtle shell underbelly
- Fresh buffalo sperm
A 27-year-old junior doctor, Henry Williams, said: “Basically, I’ll be unemployed because Hunt the **** wants to replace self-sacrificing doctors with Chinese doctors, who look like little ******* gremlins.”
“I can’t believe it. First, the China men import their goods, then their medicines, and now the people are coming over to take our jobs, our wives – and even being rapists!”
The British Medical Association (BMA) said Mr Hunt thought doctors were acting bitter over the contract but they would act more bitter after munching on a deer penis.
The BMA claimed that Britons should be seriously worried and severely concerned about the dangers of Chinese medicines which have been the cause of several cases of head implosion.
Jeremy Hunt replied: “That’s complete bollocks.”
The health secretary said hospitals would stop performing operations and would instead prescribe treatments such as a yoga class, tai chi class or a warm cup of tiger blood.
He further announced plans to invest in new acupuncture clinics, adding: “There’s no better alternative to pain relief, than having a surgeon stab you with 59 needles.”